Twisted Guardians
by ShadowdLynx
Summary: The FFX gang's new friends have some trouble at school. You can just guess who has to clean up the mess. Read as Auron, Kimahri, Lulu, Rikku, Seymour, Tidus, Wakka, and Yuna act as legal guardians, and mess with every rule in the book. Process of editing.
1. Abuse Is Okay: Leave Children Home Alone

Tidus was curled on the stair landing, listening to the sound of breakfast and conversations in the kitchen. To pass the time, he started narrating his thoughts, like in-game Tidus. "Why am I the one that has to 'save' Lynx when she comes downstairs? Why would she need to be saved? I didn't understand what was going on, but I guessed it to be a normal thing for the people of Earth. As these thoughts whirled through my head, a large crash notified me of a furry something falling down the stairs, and about to crash into me if I didn't do-- kweesh!" Tidus made a squeaking noise as a small body landed on him. "AH! I KNEW THEY KEPT BODIES!" 

"Sha-apmrnn," the body mumbled. It's cat ears twitched irritatedly. It stumbled to its feet and walked towards the kitchen in a zombie-like state.

Tidus stared in shock. Dead bodies that moved! Well, it wasn't his problem anymore. He sat back down to wait for Lynx.

"Rikku, can you pass me the-- gasp! It lives!" Everyone turned to see Lynx leaning against the door. She muttered something and shuffled towards the counter. Her hair was a flying mess.

Lynx slapped her hair back on before it flew too far away, and grabbed a pancake. "Morning, Lynx?" Rikku said, unsure if it was really the girl in question. You couldn't be too sure in that house.

"Gmrf," the girl muttered from around her pancake. She shuffled over to them, grabbed the coffee pot, and guzzeled it. "Jffamirunt." She fell asleep standing up. Auron looked up from his drink.

"Nothing she does suprises me at this point."

"Well, she's not a morning person," Matron said cheerfully, whisking out of the room. "TIDUS, YOU LAZY ASS! LYNX'S ALREADY DOWN HERE! WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING THERE!"

"I never saw her," they heard him protest. "Just a dead body that turned out to be a z-- hey, ow! No electrocuting. Stop hitting me, wait! AHHHHHH, NOT THE WHIP, NOT THE WHIP!"

Auron, Lulu, Seymour, Yuna, Rikku, Ari, and Wakka stared at the door. All was silent except for Lynx muttering about purple pantaloons. "So, can you pass the pancakes?"

"Sure. So what are we doing today?"

"You have to entertain yourselves for a few hours. Summer vacation ended." Ari made a face. She carried her newly constructed face to the windowsill and fed it to one of her plants. "Back to school for us. We should be back around three, Lynx'll have to check in with her parents so they don't think she was kidnapped and sold to slave traders."

"The purple coconutters wouldn't mind," Lynx said with a yawn.

"Hm? Oh yeah, you guys have families. Wouldn't know it with the way you spend so much time here."

"My parents are at work a lot, Becca basically does whatever whenever, and Lynx's parents are the most horrendous people you'd ever wish to not meet. Way to overprotective. They wouldn't let her walk to school alone even when she lived just down the street from it."

"Hey guys, anything left?" Tidus stumbled into the room. "After I regained conciousness, I remembered how hungry I was. They were all staring at me. I had an idea why. Seymour wanted to kill me for stealing Yuna away from him with my dashing good looks. Everyone else was jealous because I had a big-ass sword. Matron's beating might have had something to do with it, but even beaten to within an inch of my life, I was still the best looking one out of them all, and I felt they knew that too."

"I think Matron finally beat whatever may have been left of your brain out of your head," Ari stated.

"Big swords are compensating for something tiny," Lynx mumbled. "Teensy tiny little chickens dancing in a row, lessy count'em. Aggy dooseven. Scheven prostitutes."

"Hey, don't insult me!" Tidus pouted.

"She's sleeping, you know," Ari pointed out, before Tidus did something stupid. Like...

"So? She insulted my manhood!" ...that.

"Wha' manhood?" Lynx asked quietly.

"Hey!" He shot a flaming look at her. She responded by setting his hair on fire. He screamed, very shrilly may I add, and ran from the room. I should be allowed to add 'very shrilly', because I'm the authoress, right? Or is it one of my minions? Am I just being stupid?

"Yes," responded the reviewers in unison, holding up weapons threateningly. Oh, but I do like being a moron.

"Get on with it!" roared an extremely large mob situated outside of the authoresses home, holding there pitchforks and such mena-- AGHHH! -Please hold while the writer is beaten into a bloody pulp. Go on and listen to random sounds of nature outside your home. People these daysdon't get outside enough. Just listen tothe crickets, the birds, the gang wars... What? Oh, problem fixed-

"He woke me up," Lynx told them, after being sure there would be no more interuptions. The people at the table 'them', not the weapon-holders 'them'.

Ari sighed. She'd be taking care of Tidus's burns, she just knew it. No way was the stupid authoress getting any medical care. Hey! That's mean."We need to leave for school in a couple minutes."

Lynx smiled charmingly as sparkles flew behind her. "A few minutes? It's go time." She twirled around as a blue background fell from the celing and sparkles flew around. She stopped, and they automatically froze as she stuck a pose. "I am Sailor Mercury!"

"School, Lynxie. Not a cosplay convention."

"I knew that." The background and sparkles started back up as Lynx spun. She stopped to reveal herself in baggy jeans and t-shirt. "I'm ready for my mission, should I choose to accept it." She gave everyone a stupid grin before running out of the room.

"Yeeeah. So, later everyone."

-----

The day passed in whatever could be deemed normalcy for the rest of the gang. The only incident was when Wakka found a room full of rabid golf shoes on the second floor that had a taste for hair. Tidus tried to console his friend, saying at least his hair was still there. "But it has bite marks indented in it, ya! Bite marks!"

The house was in a silent bubble, oblivious to the sound of car crashes and destruction outside. "This fucking sucks!" A girl yelled as she kicked the front door open. Thewonderful sounds of crunching metal and livid pedestrians mingled as ifher own personal background theme."They don't tell us in the handbook we can't cause random acts of mayhem. We've been doing that forever! You accidently make a teacher slip on a soap covered hallway, and it's 'You darn kids! We shall devour your souls! RAWRRR!' Well, too bad. I hid mine in a box!"

"You know," Tidus told the girl, "I always thought burglars would be quieter."

Her mouth dropped open. "It's Tidie Whitus Bubblehead!"

"Told ya," Lynx said, walking around the mysterious girl and throwing her bag on the couch. "You didn't listen."

"Well, how was I supposed to know you weren't lying! For all I knew, it was a new plot for a fan fic." All of the characters turned to an imaginary screen and gave a charming smile. "I mean, saying Auron's here, that's just a mean and cruel joke. You give me this and call it Auron. I am not amused."

"No, we're not giving it to you!" Ari flew across the roomand attached herself to Tidus' waist. "Even if it is annoying, it's mine! I claimed him. It's my big brother."

Lynx added, "Who can't get laid."

"Hey!"

"That's right. Who can't get laid."

"Auron can't get laid," Lynx said with a grin.

"What nonsense are you spewing now?" Auron walked into the room. Bad for him. When the new girl saw him, she went into a twitchy fit. "Is she alright?"

"IT'S AURON!" The girl tackled him. "IT'SAURONIT'SAURONIT'SAURONIT'SAURON!" She looked up and smiled contentedly. "It's Auron."

"Yes, we understand that. Ray, I think you're killing him."

"But it's Aurooooooon," the girl whined.

"And Auron's not getting any," Lynx said with a grin.The girl who was called, but not necessarily actually was Ray, blushed.

"You know I didn't mean it like that! I was talking about him not getting a sphere."

"And you know," Ari said as she looked towards the kitchen, "Lulu is going to make sure Auron gets something."

"It's means a lot that you guys are interested in my personal life, really," Auron said drily, "but can you get your friend off of me?" Matron dragged the girl away as she whined "It's Auron!"

"This is Raydran Moody. She's played Final Fantasy 10, and is an Auron fanatic."

Raydran sat on the couch obiediently, but continued staring at Auron. Actually, she was strapped to the couch. But, that's not important. She looked close to drooling, which would undoubtedly lead to attempts at escape. "Uh-huh, that's right. Auron, sorry, but you're not as sexy as me. But you're still very sexy," she said with a consoling smile.

Matron whipped a piece of paper in front of Auron's face. "Auron, hon, you'll do a favor for your Matron, right? Because I'm the only Matron you got?"

"You also happen to be fifteen years younger than me."

"So? That doesn't matter. You'll do it 'cause I said so." She smiledhopefullyat him. "I need you to act as our guardian."

"You want to go out and get killed by Sin? Good for you."

"No no no. I mean guardian as in the person who's acting as parent. I can't do it because I'm not eighteen, or out of junior high. Pwease?" She batted her eyelashes at him. In the background, Lynx got on her knees, hands clasped in front of her face, giving him puppy dog eyes.

"Hn. I'll think about it."

"If he doesn't do it, we could always ask someone else here," Ari pointed out.

"Right. We need someone to act as our guardian. We'll say our parents are out of town, or something."

"They were going to Bermuda, and they fell off of a cliff, where a plane fell out of the sky and crushed them, and now rabid cuddly little bears called Coleman are feeding on their brains?" Everyone stared at Lynx. "What? It's not like I'm going to do that to my parents, no siree." She giggled nervously. "Ix-nay on the ans-play," she whispered to a dragon-gerbil. "Well," she turned back around, looking like the innocent little child she wasn't. "I'm going to introduce Raydran to everyone. No plans to kill my mother here, nope. I'm a good girl." She smiled innocently and ran away. Several seconds later, she ran back in. "Forgot something." Lynx grabbed Raydran and ran out of the room, Raydran flapping like a limp rag doll.

"WHEEEEEEE!" She kept on yelling random things as she crashed into the wall. Lynx kept pulling on Raydran's arm, not noticing she was still attached to the couch. "No worries, Lynxie, I'll burn it!" The girl burst into flames, and Lynx was now dragging a flaming Raydran, and they were oblivious. Oh, the wonders and joy of stupidity. It knows no bounds.

"Oh Hyne, what have we done," Matron moaned, cradling her head in her hands. "We have two morons running around the house who both happen to be pyros, one more moron who-knows-where, two dumbasses playing video games, Seymour, one bitch stalking Seymour, Auron, and Lulu."

"Full House?" Canned laughter played in the background. "I knew there was something freaky about this house the first day we got it." Ari looked around conspiritorally. "I have master plans."

"More like 'Ebil evil house of no return unless we like you, then you may possibly come back, unless you accidently go into a room filled with sadistic household items'. But I like your suggestion too, it might work." More canned laughter played in the background.

"Dammit, I'm going to take care of that." Ari grabbed her spear. "I'm gonna hunt it down, even if I have to search every room in this house!" The sprite courageously stormed into battle, shrieking her battle cry. "VIVE LE PLANTS!"

"She's got to work on that war cry," Auron said as he pulled out a tape recorder. He waited a couple minutes before pressing the play button. Laughter came out of it. "CURSES AND DAMNATION!" Ari shrieked from somewhere on the third floor.

"That is so cruel." Matron frowned slightly before her expression lightened. "I love it."

* * *

Miss me? Nyah. I've been busy updating me Fruits Basket story, and future plots for my Twisted series. After I get all these short little fics containing random insanity posted, I'm gonna post reallylong fics containing random insanity, and not so random insanity! -canned laughter- DAMN YOU, AURON! In case you are unaware of what canned laughter is, it's that annoying junk networks place in parts they deem 'funny', because they feel like their audiences can't decide what is humorous for themselves. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, or any of its affiliates. But if I did, I would so punish Auron for the canned laughter.


	2. Rooftops Are Fun and Authority Bites

AN : Do I still have any readers after a four-month hiatus? ...If you come back to me, I'll give you scallop-flavored skittles. What do you mean you don't like those? You aren't a reader! You poser! You fake! Fraud! Brittney Spears! Yeah, yeah, I went there. ...I'm sorry. Let's never fight again. I... -sniffles- I love you, man. I still remember Paris. Actually, I need to tell you. I only want your reviews. Go on, I don't expect you to stay. Leave, like all the other gopher-filled marshmallow puffs before you. -wails-

* * *

Ari yawned sleepily, and checked her watch. Alynxia, Matron, and Auron were supposed to meet her already. They were probably dragging the morning-hating cat girl out of bed. 

As if on cue, a black and grey bundle dropped into a limp heap by her feet. Ari looked up to where the bundle had fallen from. Auron and Matron stared apathetically back from the rooftop. "Is she dead?" Auron asked, a tinge of hope in his voice. Matron smacked him, making him fall forward. He landed on the concrete with a dull 'thunk', and somehow made an Auron-shaped crater. He must be heavy, because that was only a second floor drop.

Ari turned her back on the twitching red mass and poked the black and grey mass with the toe of her sneaker. It moved slightly with the rocking motion of Ari's touch. Ari kicked it harder, causing it to emit a small, sleepy yelp. The identity of the blob was now certain.

"It's too early to play with the kangaroos," Lynx informed Ari with a small yawn.

"I know. Just ignore them, they're going to pass on to Iceland." They watched Auron struggle to his feet, weaving back and forth slightly.

Matron leapt lightly from the rooftop and landed with perfection. "If you're done playing, we have school." She shot a look towards Auron that clearly read 'Mess this up, and I will beat you with Prism and Rainbow, then devour your heart with a spoon'. It's amazing what one look can convey.

The walk to the school was relatively silent, with the exception of the sound of Lynx being dragged over every single pebble, glass shard, and insect on the sidewalk, and a few on the other side of the street. Of course, the silence never lasts around these people.

"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" came the deafening yell that caused a deaf man five blocks away to have bleeding eardrums. "I thought you'd never come! You're late!" A girl of average height bounced up to them. Her green hair fell down to her shoulders in tangled waves, and green eyes stared at the group with a slight maniac look.

" . . . You were supposed to meet up with us two blocks back," Matron said slowly, her hearing slowly returning. Just maybe she'd be able to hear something as loud as lawn mower before second period.

Surprisingly, Alynxia was not jolted awake by this loud greeting, and was just starting to wake up. "Hey Kai-chan," Lynx mumbled, suppressing another yawn. "How are you?"

"The need to drown little children has arisen most painfully."

"That's nice. Be nice to them now." Before she could fall asleep again, Ari slapped her awake. Used to watching her friends go through this routine, Kai stared at the man in the red trench coat. There was something familiar about him.

"So, recognize our guest?" Matron asked, seeing a spark in Kai's eyes. Auron glanced at her a second before deciding she wouldn't be a threat unless she was a rabid fangirl. There were more of those than he'd expected, and they could be more dangerous than a Marlboro.

"I got it! Gaku Namikiri!" The group stared at the girl blankly. Crickets chirped, tumbleweeds rolled by, and an old lady shuffled past while threatening them with mace.

"If you got Namikiri, where's Night?" Kai spaced in and out of reality, imagining her obsession. "Ooh, he's so sexy! I love him so."

"Kai-chan, Gaku's not this old. I think." Auron growled at Lynx for implicating he was old. "If this was Gaku, he'd be in my room, chained to my wall. And lastly, Gaku wears a leather collar. While Auron would look very good in leather, he doesn't wear it."

"Auron. . . . Hmm, very familiar."

"It should be, dorktard." Matron set her bookbag down and worked the cramps out of her muscles. She didn't think they'd be standing out here that long. "I got you addicted to the game he plays in."

"You hired a guy to cosplay as Auron from Final Fantasy X and follow you around? New level of weird. I'd rather have the real thing."

"He is the real thing! Auron in the flesh, with muscles that will snap you in half like a twig! A twig, I tell you!"

"Now you're making me sound like a bad action movie hero," Auron grumbled.

"Stop whining and be a good boy." Matron picked her bag up. "This is Kai-Daemion Aloura Valentine." Kai, still facing Auron, waved more or less in his general direction. "Kai, this is Auron. He's going to talk to the principal for us instead of our parents since we don't want to get in trouble."

Kai observed the sword Auron had strapped to his back. Oh yeah, that would make a good first impression.

-----

"I-I'm sorry, sir, but you can't come into the school with that," the nervous door monitor stuttered. "Weapons aren't allowed on school grounds."

"Then how do you protect yourselves?" Auron questioned harshly. "It is foolish to believe you always will be safe while the moment lasts."

"It's quite safe here, sir. We don't allow weapons to keep the students safe."

"That's a load of bull!" Kai declared. "The knives in Home Ec. cut off a student's thumb a couple times one day!" No one seemed to notice the idiocy of that statement.

"They weren't paying attention to what they were doing." Now that the monitor was back to talking to someone on his level, his arrogant smirk and puffed up chest were back.

"I stabbed myself on Siggy!" Lynx said, giving him a look.

"Who is Siggy?"

"My locker!" Everyone stared at her. "How can you tell me that's not dangerous?" Lynx pouted. "I was watching what I was doing, too! I watched the door close right on my finger and try to devour my flesh!" She was ignored.

"The point, sir, is that you may not enter this door as long as you have that sword strapped to your back." Auron slowly reached for his sword, but Matron and Ari hurriedly dragged him to the parking lot.

"Not to worry!" Kai and Lynx declared. "We shall smuggle you in!" They chuckled to themselves darkly. Lights flashed in the background. Somewhere, a baby cried. Skipping happily past the monitor, Kai hissed at him, and Lynx kicked him in the shins.

"Those two morons," Matron muttered. "How do they plan to do that?"

"Well, they'll probably--"

"That was a retorical question, Ari. I don't want to know." A laugh track played as soon as this statement was uttered. Auron smirked, his hand inside his coat.

"It follows me," Ari whispered, crouching. "It is the evilness that never quits. It shall be stabbed!"

At that moment, one of the windows burst into a thousand shards, and two girls burst from the frame. They rolled over to Auron, lifted him above their heads, and jammed him through the window frame. "Waha!" In unison, they crouched, looked around, and rolled backwards, flipping through the frame.

"Come, Ari," Matron sighed in exasperation, walking into the school. "We must track them down."


End file.
